Q.  Ghandi walked barefoot his whole life, which created awful calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, making him frail. And, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him what?

A.  A super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!

Q: What do you call a psychic midget who just escaped from jail?

A: A small medium at large.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work?  

He wanted to transcend dental medication.


Children write about the sea:

1) This is a picture of an octopus.. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregn ant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat ass. (Jule age 7)
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Impending Grandmahood

Jackie is being admitted to HMC for labor induction (inducement?) Wed. 3/18 at 8 A.M.
The process may be quick or slow.........we’ll let people know ASAP via phone or email.

(Grandma?!? Holy Cow!)

Various Thoughts On Love

It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations.
Khalil Gibran

It is with true love as it is with ghosts; everyone talks about it, but few have seen it.
Francois de La Rouchefoucauld

Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop.

Success is nothing, without someone you love to share it with.
Billy Dee Williams in the movie, Mahogany

Love cures people, both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it.
Dr. Karl Menninger

Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.
Joan Crawford

Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
Woody Allen

Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
Woody Allen (again)

Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)

Age does not protect you from love but love to some extent protects you from age.
Jeanne Moreau

Beware you be not swallowed up in books! An ounce of love is worth a pound of knowledge.
John Wesley

Better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
David Chambless

Immature love says: "I love you because I need you."
Mature love says: "I need you because I love you."
Erich Fromm

Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.
Comte DeBussy-Rabutin

A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one.
Mae West (1892-1980)

A man in love is incomplete until he is married.
Then he's finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing.
Mignon McLaughlin

Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it.
Hatred darkens life; love illumines it.
Martin Luther King, Jr. (1929-1968)

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

There is only one kind of love,
but there are a thousand imitations.
Francois de La Rouchefoucauld

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up.
Ogden Nash

The course of true love never did run smooth.
William Shakespeare

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
Henny Youngman

Where there is marriage without love,
there will be love without marriage.

Men always want to be a woman's first love, women like to be a man's last romance.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Never frown because you never know who might be falling in love with your smile.
Justine Milton

No woman marries for money; they are all clever enough, before marrying a millionaire, to fall in love with him first.
Cesare Pavese

Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope.
Josh Billings

No matter how lovesick a woman is,
she shouldn't take the first pill that comes along.
Joyce Brothers

and finally. . .

On Valentine's Day give The Best Valentine's gift

Give two red roses, each with a note.
The first note says, "For the one I love"
and the second,
"For my best friend."
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